chantico: (Keen)
Got moving early this morning with surprisingly little difficulty, and a lovely morning it is. Perfect crisp, cool air. If it holds out I'm going to do a little more lawn care this evening, hopefully getting a little lesson in how to use the wee whacker and taking it to all the creeping borders. I have poison ivy popping back up, too, and I'm not really sure how to deal with that other than getting some heavy duty gloves and yanking it right out of the ground. Zero desire to use pesticides on it. Maybe I'll even *tackle the back room* (gasp).

No I totally won't there could be spiders and Avery don't play that shit.

Porn drawing going very well, WIP's well accepted. Excited to get it done. Addicted to drawing it. More definitely in my future.

Trying to do daily meditation but I am not having luck with it. I think the problem isn't the practice but the particular meditation I'm trying, with breath counting to ten and then starting again, do that for ten minutes. It's *too* relaxed, and I universally end up falling asleep. An awareness meditation might work better, or a finger tapping one; something that isn't entirely internal. Anyone have any ideas? Because I'm not a fan of nodding off in the middle of my practice and being super sleepy for the rest of the evening.

Oh, happy/content, you mean that my mind isn't spinning with too many thinky bits, so finding something to write about is hard!
chantico: (Sick)
Con on the Cob as pretty swell. I came back full of professional ideas and inspiration for several new ventures, to add to my gigantic stack of "OMG I WANNA DO THIS, TOO". Also, watched the new Thundercats pilot (fantastic) with artist. Art people know me! So, yeah. Cons can be fun when you aren't consumed by social anxiety! Who knew?

Oh, right. I have not mentioned here: I am medicated now. I finally got my ass into a doctor, and he was pretty much like "All the Zoloft! Now! WTF woman, why are you not full of pills?" So I took them, and after a rough start?

~*Magic*~

Holy

Shit

I am getting to know a self I have not seen since I was, like, 15. If that, because all of those cool thing I learned to do to manage my anxiety and make life bearable? Turns out, when you don't have a chemical siege on your psyche, those make life pretty fucking fantastic. Here are some things I am remembering:

PLAYING. I want to fool around with stuff! I'm curious! I have ideas and I do them for fun! I like things and squee about it!

MOVING. Did you know, when I was a little girl, I was such a big ball of energy I would randomly get just so full of enthusiastic energy that I would have to run around the house in circles for, like, half and hour? Yeah I need to do that again. Because AAAGGGAHHHH ENERGYYYYYYYY. I have lost weight. Not from eating less, or even concentrating on exercising more, just from *bouncing my legs* and getting so excited I run up and down the stairs. I chirrup. No, really. I just get so full of happy bubbles noises pop out of me.

PEOPLE ARE SO COOL. And they aren't going to stab me! The world is full of hope! And interesting individuals! That don't hate me on sight! I can talk to them! There are not enough exclamation points!

SUGAR IS NOT THE WORLD. I crave it after dinner, but not all day! I am sated with less of it! WHAT IS THIS MADNESS.

Um um um

THE FUTURE IS GOLDEN. There is not a vast abyss of Dread between myself and some nebulous, misty future where things are okay and I am surviving. I have plans and ambitions and ideas and they seem achievable!

THOUGHTS GO AWAY. Like, if something is making me unhappy, I can say "I don't want to think about this right now. It isn't useful, and it is making me crazy". *And then it departs*

God, I know meds aren't amazing for everyone, and usually there is a lot of back and forth trying different ones because something is making you worse. But I feel so incredibly lucky because this is . . this is a miracle.

I am sick right now, coming down with the con crud. This is the first time my energy levels feel kind of a familiar. So, basically, I lived close to 10 years of my life with the physical drive of someone with the flu. How did I do it? The stuff I've achieved-- graduate with a 3.8 GPA, live in Italy, survive on my own since 17, launch a successful career in illustration, get married, survive a cancer scare and a car wreck and nervous breakdown-- that isn't easy stuff for a healthy person. Holy crap, self! You're AMAZING.
chantico: (Loved)
Like a race car in the mud, I have driven myself into a rut: posting only on LJ when I am unhappy. And, dammit, I am not that bad off! So i am determined to post something UPBEAT and POSITIVE. I don't want to look back on this journal in a couple of years and be like "Dude, wow, I was miserable."

THINGS THAT ARE SPLENDID:

I am doing Yoga once a week! I actually have got off my bum and I am going out and taking a moving class doing moving things! [livejournal.com profile] ancientwisdom recommended the Mukti Yoga studio in Bloomington, and it is affordable and enjoyable. I don't do the Vinyasa, which was too much movement and too much trying to keep up with folks, but I found a great balance in Kundalini style, which focuses a lot more on breathing, meditation, and bursts of (sometimes really intense) excercise. I *like* the more hippy-dippy stuff, dammit.

Having a roomate is kind of wonderful. That teeny bit 'o extra social interaction is great-- and he cleans the living room frequently and picks up after the cats. Win.

I HAD A PIECE IN A SHOW. *Word*. I am pushing to put other pieces, in other shows.

I am starting to meet other people who do art, and I am *talking* to them and EVERYTHING. The other day I spoke to 8. Different. Strangers. I am a small talk superhero!

Steve, my little tabby, loves playing fetch. All day. He has this tiny, dilapidated grey mousie toy that he will bring to me in his mouth and drop in my palm, and then will chase it down whever I throw it and bring it back. This is less amusing when he decides it is play time at 3 AM.

All my other cats are cute to the fourth power.

Mom doesn't have cancer! Mostly and sorta kinda! They took a look at her scans and declared her Mostly Cancer Free, i.e. she has, and I quote: "A little bit of lymphoma. We'll check back in a few years." She does have crazy Hep C, but very hopefully will be included in the new drug trial, which has an 80% success rate of curing as oppossed to the 40% that the current drugs have.

SHPONGLE IS PLAYING BLOOMINGTON. I have all the tickets. Or at least mine. GUYS YOU GUYS.

There is so much rain and thunderstorming and everything is explosively green and beautiful and pleasant in temperature.

There. Happy news.

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May 2014

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