pointed out to me last night that I have an exceptional problem with accepting positive emotion. I'm *real* good at fostering hate, jealousy, distrust, anger and depression; but when it comes to the opposite spectrum, I can only capture emotion in fleeting moments before they dissipate. My happiness greenhouse is ineffective (perhaps I should turn to hydroponics?).
This really shook me up, A. because he is right, and it's something I know and have been struggling with as I try to slough off the funk I've been in and found it more difficult than I realize and B. because I hate being weak, and moreso I *hate*, HATE having this pointed out to me. My immediate reaction is to knock the legs out from the person by being as nasty as possible (while visions of ripping out their filthy wagging tongues dance in my head). The trapdoor between my brain and my mouth, while loosely flapping most times, becomes well padlocked, though you can still hear the howling of the thing behind the door. I am not the kindest of individuals when my power is threatened, when my strength is shown to be weakness.
Ugh, even typing out these truths makes me feel destructive; I want to break my own fingers for admitted my mewling, I want to starve myself, I want rage at people close to me so that they will go away and I can feel like I've punished myself.
And the fact that these are the things I feel means these are exactly the things I need to look at.
So why can't I stay happy as easily as I stay angry? Why do I strive for an imagined power, an unscalable emotional tower, when I know intellectual and spiritually that the greatest strength and power is found in admitting and accepeting your own weakness?
This is complicated by the fact that I feel worse for not being able to realize these things, and then that just pulls me down farther.
Here is the dialogue I have with myself most often: "Okay, I need to be 'insert blank here' and stop being 'another blank'". My expectations of happiness are always qualified by these statements. "I shall be happy when . . ." Maybe that's why it is easier for me to hang on to negative emotion-- it is focused very securely on the sphere of the present.
Mrr. So let's add on some more questions the one I posed before:
1. How can I learn to trust myself?
2. How can I alright with being weak?
3. How can I make happiness a thing of the present?