chantico: (Crazy)
The past two, three weeks have been a lot of emotional ups-and-downs as I come down to a smaller dose of my Zoloft. My doc and I upped it to help with Winter and boy howdy was it easier to deal with this time around, but now I'm dropping back to my usual dose, it's still kinda shitty in the weather department, and I have a lot on my plate and so there have been . . . undulations. Nothing cray-cray, just some ups and downs. Yesterday I was absolutely dripping ennui, today feeling better and more able to cope with existence.

Did a reading yesterday-- it's been a while. Trying to sort out what I was feeling and why, pulled Guardian at the Gate, and then explored a couple of paths branching off from that. My main two ideas yielded a whole lot of NO OH HONEY NO, but then when I went down the middle the Dark Lady showed up and I had a little freak out. She and I have history-- she's my representative card, and she's who shows up when shit is going to go *down*. I have done Samhain readings to get a general forecast of the year to come, and the two years I pulled her, she represented the summer of 2009 and the fall of 2007. So, the summer of my break down and the fall of my Florence trip.

It says a lot about my state of mind that I was bowled over with just . . . terror. And what immediately came to mind was JASON IS GOING TO DIE because that is my worst fear and I am deeply, irrationally superstitious about it (and it doesn't freaking help that the Dark Lady was backed up by a reversed Gawtcha). I pulled a card on that and got the Singer of Courage, which in typical infuriating faery fashion could mean that i will need courage for the things ahead OR that I am unduly freaking myself out.

And then when J got home and I told him about the cards I pulled, he was like "Do you know what that sounds like to me? That sounds like I'm going to die" and I was all "THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT" and then we freaked out together and yes, did a reading for him, and no, I don't think he's going to die and really my take away is this:

1. I am not exactly centered right now.

2. I am lolling that my reaction to be told big change is coming is to jump to what is literally the worst thing I could think of.

3. That says a lot more about me right now than the reading did

4. Any entities dealing with me right now must be doing a large amount of facepalming.

. . .
. . .
. . .

But seriously, if Jason dies this year, I'm going to be really unhappy. Just . . . for the record. in case anyone didn't know that.


Feb. 3rd, 2014 12:59 pm
chantico: (Beginning)
Look, I'm updating when I am feeling an emotion other than blank, stuffy numbness! Yay!

Spent the weekend in the company of friends, that exhausting and precious rarity. On Saturday, I attended Moon's birthday party and brought a recently returned Hannah with me. Driving through the drizzle there and back, we had good talks about the impending future. She aired her recent grievances; I think she's got a really clear head on her shoulders in regards to this clusterfuck, and I trust her judgement. I made her promise that if J ever died, leaving me either alone or bechilded, she would be the one to make sure I didn't sell everything I own to buy an RV and run. These are the things that keep me up at night. We talked about the house, and the possibility of children, and career stuff. It condenses into the same cloud of uncertainties: where am I going, what am I doing? I don't know, I can't know right now. My crystal ball has dropped and the insides have fractured.

Moon's was nice for seeing friends, awkward in other ways. Probably going to write a private post about that stuff, as it involves Things that are not my Things, and do not need airing without permission.

It took me the better part of Sunday to get the house clean, and it squeaked across the finish line 15 minutes before the first person arrived for the evening Imbolc gathering. I have not thrown a party in years (and never expect a soul to come) so I aimed low, and the amount of food and hot chocolate we had on hand was perfect. It was a lovely evening-- we put Too Cute on the television, and talked to the background of kittens and puppies; played telephone Pictionary and lit Imbolc candles. A very sweet night in both munching and company. After folks left, J hit the grocery store and I had a few moments of calm and quiet to stare at all the shiny little candlelight.

Ah, magick. That's what you feel like. Just a little bit, a smidgen, but detectable.

Still feel like 2014 is going to be a good year.


chantico: (Default)

May 2014

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