chantico: (Cynical)
My worries right now: I am losing my cognitive abilities. My heart is malfunctioning and soon will give out. I am developing diabetes.

Sigh, anxiety. You function in the strangest of ways. IN the way of medical maladies I *might* actually have, I think it's a possibility that I've adjusted to my Zoloft, and I either need to tweak the dosage, try something else, or try a new med to pair it with. wonder if I don't have adult ADD-- and the problem with hypochondria is that you can never be sure if what you are feeling is in your head, or a real issue. Is my inability to focus for more than 20 minutes at a stretch due to being lazy, or is it a disorder? When I'm exhausted and full of cotton at the end of the day because I forced myself to focus on something and finish it, is that just run-of-the-mill willpower fatigue?

Not like I can really afford a doctor right now to find out. :/

***

Life moves along apace. Thank all the stars above the holidays are past. I know for all y'all, they start in November and in come January 1st, but I have four major birthdays spread out between there and Valentines Day. My poor non-existent wallet is full of non-existent moths (I own up to my own money irresponsibility contributing to this, of course).

Full up on freelance work and commission, though! So that helps.

Baked my dad a pseudo Black Forest Cake for his birthday and delivered it. I wish I could have a multi-locational house. Like, go out the front door, I'm on Kirkwood, go out the back door, I'm in the middle of nowhere. Driving on those scraggly little roads barred in by pale trees, deer warily grazing in the dark, fields shimmering in the light of a few stars and the half moon, I am soothed.

Want to get out into the woods more. If only leaving the house was an easier task, and didn't feel like a pulling out my fingernails.
chantico: (Sick)
Con on the Cob as pretty swell. I came back full of professional ideas and inspiration for several new ventures, to add to my gigantic stack of "OMG I WANNA DO THIS, TOO". Also, watched the new Thundercats pilot (fantastic) with artist. Art people know me! So, yeah. Cons can be fun when you aren't consumed by social anxiety! Who knew?

Oh, right. I have not mentioned here: I am medicated now. I finally got my ass into a doctor, and he was pretty much like "All the Zoloft! Now! WTF woman, why are you not full of pills?" So I took them, and after a rough start?

~*Magic*~

Holy

Shit

I am getting to know a self I have not seen since I was, like, 15. If that, because all of those cool thing I learned to do to manage my anxiety and make life bearable? Turns out, when you don't have a chemical siege on your psyche, those make life pretty fucking fantastic. Here are some things I am remembering:

PLAYING. I want to fool around with stuff! I'm curious! I have ideas and I do them for fun! I like things and squee about it!

MOVING. Did you know, when I was a little girl, I was such a big ball of energy I would randomly get just so full of enthusiastic energy that I would have to run around the house in circles for, like, half and hour? Yeah I need to do that again. Because AAAGGGAHHHH ENERGYYYYYYYY. I have lost weight. Not from eating less, or even concentrating on exercising more, just from *bouncing my legs* and getting so excited I run up and down the stairs. I chirrup. No, really. I just get so full of happy bubbles noises pop out of me.

PEOPLE ARE SO COOL. And they aren't going to stab me! The world is full of hope! And interesting individuals! That don't hate me on sight! I can talk to them! There are not enough exclamation points!

SUGAR IS NOT THE WORLD. I crave it after dinner, but not all day! I am sated with less of it! WHAT IS THIS MADNESS.

Um um um

THE FUTURE IS GOLDEN. There is not a vast abyss of Dread between myself and some nebulous, misty future where things are okay and I am surviving. I have plans and ambitions and ideas and they seem achievable!

THOUGHTS GO AWAY. Like, if something is making me unhappy, I can say "I don't want to think about this right now. It isn't useful, and it is making me crazy". *And then it departs*

God, I know meds aren't amazing for everyone, and usually there is a lot of back and forth trying different ones because something is making you worse. But I feel so incredibly lucky because this is . . this is a miracle.

I am sick right now, coming down with the con crud. This is the first time my energy levels feel kind of a familiar. So, basically, I lived close to 10 years of my life with the physical drive of someone with the flu. How did I do it? The stuff I've achieved-- graduate with a 3.8 GPA, live in Italy, survive on my own since 17, launch a successful career in illustration, get married, survive a cancer scare and a car wreck and nervous breakdown-- that isn't easy stuff for a healthy person. Holy crap, self! You're AMAZING.

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chantico

May 2014

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