PRACTIVE

May. 31st, 2013 10:58 am
chantico: (Crabby)
This stupid sciatica will not go away. Resisting the urge to slam my back/ass/leg against things just to disrupt the constant, low grade discomfort that never changes. Go away. GO AWAY. SCREEEEEECH.

Went through my novel outline (what I have) and tweaked a lot of the events so that Delilah (and really, everyone) is more proactive. I fall *so* easily into the observer role when writing or gaming, my characters have a huge problem with being lurkers and reactors. I like playing with Delilah's evolution into a more proactive person, because she does start off as a passive individual, but it's a fine line to write. There's gotta be enough spunk in her that people actually *like* her and will stick with the first few chapters as she begins to take a more active role. Chapter 3 is where she makes her first real choice, so up until then, empathy is my key. She's possessed by something that takes her physical agency away from her at any stressful moment-- making internal choices is pretty much all she has at first.

And Dane shouldn't be a reactive character at all; neither should Winston. Arthur, funnily enough, is the most passive out of the group due to his meticulous, watchful nature. I can't wait to dig into this subject again when his stuff finally comes up, being that it echoes this same issue. When you've embraced the role of the Observer so thoroughly that the world starts to forget you exist, what can you do to make it remember you?

Bok booook books book

****

I'm having bouts of anxiety before I go to sleep every single night, and I don't know why.

Bitty Bits

May. 20th, 2013 09:14 am
chantico: (Motivated)
A TF2 fanfic-filled weekend and I'm charged for writing, or attempting to write again. I can't tell if I just suck at overcoming the anxiety hurdle or if it is really that high, but whatever the case, the languishing is over. Aside from the fic glut, I spent the weekend puttering on my music project, cleaning, and helping Jen start painting her new house. Ah, the stress of buying a new home. Just what I'm looking forward to. We get off easy on the moving and painting by living there already, I suppose, though I would love to redo the kitchen/laundry room/back room with a little extra loan. You know, when I have a credit score that will allow me a loan. My back didn't 100% cooperate, complaining near the end and ratcheting up the sciatica. It aches continuously now. I cannot wait to go to the chiropractor.

Also our car needs like 500 dollars in repairs. Ha. Hahaha. Ha. Oh, money.

But! I am determined to have a good week, because we are able to pay all of our bills this month and maybe have a tiny bit extra so I can finally get the phys. therapy tools I need for my back! Huzzuh! Also: Summer Movie Season is upon us and I am floppity excited for the line up. February, March, and April were bone-dry and since the cinema is my vice, I was jonesing.

Nothing else to report, I think.
chantico: (Pleasent)
FFFF OH GOD some of the TF2 sound file names for the movie were leaked and SJKFBMJSF SCOUT AND PAULINE ALL OVER THE PLACE DEATH CRIES HEEEEAVVVVYYYY I'm flailing.

****

I got a big dose of Momma time yesterday evening, in which she made me a grilled cheese sandwich and rubbed my back. It was painful at the time, and resulted in one of the bizarre pains I've had: a shooting spasm in my sternum, up to my throat, and inside my ear. Very weird, and wouldn't let up. Getting to sleep was difficulty and had to be accompanied by a muscle relaxer. This morning, though, I'm feeling dandy. We are not yet at 100%, but I'll take 75%. I can stand up!

Though trying to do some of the exercise to stretch the back reminded me that I have a kinesthetic intelligence score of zero. Or whatever number comes past "able to walk and breathe at the same time". Isolating muscle groups is . . . not my thing.

Still very sleepy from the muscle relaxer.

Energy check yesterday still small. Noting that for future reference; will compare it to other times in pain. Meditation was a distracted bust, between back and cats vying for my attention.

While brushing my teeth, had an observational epiphany about my creativity. The hardest part of sitting down to write is leaping off the fear cliff: to put my hands on the keyboard, I must vault an incredible surge of terror. Noting that helped me get past it last night, when I started making excuses. I wondered if it wasn't something unique to writing for me, but, no, I get the same burst of fear when I sit down to draw. My art fear is a pond stone, smoothed by years of washing over it; my writing fear is a sharp crag clearing the ocean. I must generate great waves to wear it down.
chantico: (Insatiable)
Nano was succeeded! I am quite proud, being that I have won both years I participated. now it is time for all the editing in the world, and continuing writing even more-- I'm going down to 500-700 words a day, but committing to that. It's very exciting. Still looking for more beta readers, if anyone else is interested. I have two right now but I could always use a couple of more perspectives.

I'm at that awful stage where I just don't have the emotional distance to tell if what I've written is any good or not. Aside from the million insecure wailings that tell me there was a *reason* I gave up writing, and that is because I *suck*, this is the first piece I've done since 2009 Nano and the first writing I've *ever* done that I've tried applying tactics learned by watching the processes of writer friends and stranger's blogs alike. I'm incredibly nervous about pulling even a little of it off, not least because this story is so ARGH important to me. This is the narrative that got me through the darkest days, man. I want people to love this tale like I did. To drift into the macabre, when I was suicidal, this story was one of the reasons I didn't pull the proverbial trigger-- because if I died, these characters died too. And even if *I* didn't want to deal with this shit anymore, they weren't finished. I couldn't murder a group of people who had fought so hard as heroes just because I was chronically melancholic.

But oh, how to do it?

****

Sometime soon there will be a post about my illustrations, I swear to god. I have so much on my plate (what else is new) that cleaning up my "work" work will take a little time, but I have a handy-dandy illustration (pun intended) of how far I've come in a year that will be ready to post next week sometime. This is the first year since college that I've leveled up TWICE. It might be the first year ever since I started taking drawing seriously.

****

Going to see Melancholia tonight in the IU Cinema, which is apparently one of the top movie theatres in the world. In Bloomington. What. But it is, my god, it is. I saw Tree of Life there and spent the first 40 minutes ENTRANCED by the visual quality.

***

Did I already post about the cinema here? I might have. Hmm.
chantico: (Quirky)
I started a Tumblr. Urf. I don't like Tumblr all that much, but LJ's audience is just too small for it to be a good place to network (I also post over at Dreamwidth, to make sure I'm keeping a second copy of all posts in case LJ goes down permanently). I'm not giving up my LJ by any means-- LJ FOR LIFE. Things I post on Tumblr will likely make it here, and personal stuff will stay here under Flock. So, FYI, if you want to follow me there or recommend me to any cool people, I am chantico.tumblr.com.

Bloomington's weather has decided to suck, but all romantic-in-the-Tuberculosis-and-roses-way. It is in the low 40's and raining and dark. Horrible to be out in, perfect to whip up a batch of chocolate chip cookies from scratch and make alfredo for dinner.

Every time I make a post, I obsess over whether or not it is good form to capitalize the subject. I mean, it's a header, right? Capitalizing is necessary! Grammaaarrr, how did I test out of you so often I never had to take you? I didn't even know singular "they" was a controversial thing. How will I ever be a writer?

Yeah I kinda want to be a writer again. I want to write and illustrate, only I don't want to do a comic, because frankly comics move too slow for me when i am working on them. I read comics in hypertime, and feel crappy because this was someone's whole month and I scarfed it in 10 minutes. I've been contemplating an illustrated novel, and by contemplating, i mean planning one for NaNo. I'll post it in chaptered chunks as I work on it and build my writer confidence.

You guys should see my outfit. I look like a kindergartner AND I LIKE IT.

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