(no subject)

[chantico]

Originally this was just going to be a reply to on of laurelwren's comments, but I realized that there was actually a post in here somewhere, and some stuff that I would do well to explore myself. I'm finding writing here theraputic for probably the first time ever, and realize that the more I write stuff down, the better organized my thoughts are becoming on the matter; the materialization of little nigglings on screen is leading to me being able to push them aside and look at the meat of the issue. Kind of like following the tentacles coming through the doorway to the body of the cthuloid thing outside. Only, less with the gibbering and squamous-ness. I hope. So bear with me (or skip to the end), because the reflecting is more for my benefit than anything else.

So! As I said before, I was responding to the comment with your basic 'yeah . . . I know, I'm breaking an addiction, and my body isn't going to like that very much' when I started thinking about where and why I developed my current hideous eating habits.



See, when I was little, my parents did everything a parent should do in trying to raise someone who had a healthy relationship with food (save perhaps making me eat a wider range of vegetables). Every meal I ate was well balanced-- fruits, vegetables, grains and proteins. Not dessert *ever* until after dinner, and then it was a fruit popsicle or something similar. We didn't eat sugary cereals, had candy at best once a month or on special occasions, and ate three square meals a day with snacks in between.

So what went wrong? What went so horribly, horribly wrong?

Anyone who knows me probably anticipates where this is going.

Upon arriving in the House from Hell, most of our basic patterns *period* fell apart. There was no designated bedtime, because how could you have one when you slept in the living room? How could you brush your teeth normally when all water had to be boiled first? How could you eat well when mom worked until 7 every night and dad holed himself up in his little crazy-room?

We still had dinners, but not the money to buy anything other than poor-people food-- polish sausages (I still can't eat them to this day), ramen, spaghetti-O's, canned hash. Cooking was quick and dirty. Breakfast and lunches were abruptly left to the kids, and my sister and I were in no position other than shellshock to do much of anything.

A couple years of that, and your palate has adapted to crap.

Eventually, it got better, money improved, we could afford real food again, and we at least had some electricity. But our refridegeration systems were two glorified coolers, one of which was a deep freeze and one which settled out at about 50 degrees, 60 in the summer.

Substantial things-- meats, extra butter, soup stock, main course sort of stuff, as well as all of our frozen vegetables-- were kept downstairs in the freezer. The light-less, flea-infested, sewage stinking downstairs. And, oh, that was before you got to the actual basement where the freezer was located. A mud-pit filled with insulation, rusted metal, stagnant water, and wild animals that nested there (as well as being unheated in the winter, of course). We cleaned this huge, hulking thing maybe once a years, so it stank of rotten meat and mold. Appetizing, non? This trip, which me or my sister had to do almost every night (and resulted in some of the most violent fights between us, including kicking each other down the stairs while beating each other in the face with our Maglights-- typical sister stuff), was the crowning moment of horror in our days. We were both scared *shitless* of the dark, let alone that swamp.

So that's the main memory I have associated with stuff that requires cooking.

Fresh stuff was even better. Not as blantantly terrifying, but far more dangerous. Winters weren't so bad, because we actually kept most of our fresh fruits, veggies and dairy outside the kitchen door, and the pantry was mostly pest free. But from March to October, there was a reason we begged most of our food off of friends.

As I mentioned before, the "fridge" had a normal temperature of 50, 60 (or 70, sometimes) in the summer. Not the best for keeping things fresh. We supplemented this with bags of ice, but that wasn't the most reliable of cooling methods. It also meant that the fridge was constantly humid. This meant that any food that stayed in the fridge for more than a day, two days tops, was absolutely suspect. Fruits and veggies rotted, milk curdled, cheese molded. I can recount was VERY unpleasant experiences regarding not paying close attention to what I was trying to eat, and the smell of rotten milk is one that I know intimately-- in fact, its one of the phantom scents I pick up when stressed out or overly worried.

Anything in the pantries lasted a little bit longer, but was subject to the whims of our housemates . . . namely moths, mice (or rats later on), ants and flies. Pastas, breads, rice and cereals had to be carefully examined to make sure they were free of bugs or mouse shit. (Strangely, they left the ramen and packaged pastas alone . . .)

This left, out of the entire house, these things regularly safe to eat: Chef Boyardee style canned pastas, ramen, canned soup, and straight peanut butter.

Jesus fucking Christ. No wonder I have such a hideous relationship with my food . . . not only has my body become adjusted to utter and complete crap, I have a *danger response* writ into me. Healthy foods are inherently dangerous. All of those times I bit into a rotten apple, ate mushy carrots, drank curdled milk, maggoty cous-cous, freezer-burned meat . . . I associate real food with illness and poison.



I don't really know how to approach this. Breaking an addiction I can handle . . . I know the basic principles, I know what to avoid, and if I falter or need help, there are tons of resources to help me.

But how in the hell do I rewrite Pavlovian conditioning that tells me healthy eating is dangerous eating?

Comments

[d-c-m.livejournal.com]

First: Wow. Your words are passionate and beautiful and amazing. You are an amazing, amazing, amazing being to have survived the House from Hell. I am so sorry you had to live there.

Second: Maybe it is time to reconnect with food. Perhaps you should treat all food like a new friend or art tool and take things slow. For example, if you tummy says potato chips, perhaps you could eat a health food chip or even try a baked potato. You can buy those. Try little steps. It seems you need to rewire your system.

Maybe you should start by writing down what your favorite tastes and textures are. Then find healthy food that might match that. Just thinking here.

And yes you will be rewriting your system however, I think that can be done.

[swan-tower.livejournal.com]

Sweet jeebus. I've heard some of this before, but still.

I'll second d_c_m's suggestion -- maybe you would have some success programming your brain to think of cooking as an art form instead of, y'know, cooking. It might work as an end-run around the mental triggers you would otherwise hit.

The only other thing I can think to suggest is a highly regimented schedule of cooking where you systematically expose yourself to it until it no longer turns on the part of your brain that screams "OH GOD NO MOLD BUGS EW EW EW."

[ombriel.livejournal.com]

I had no idea you had to deal with all that. Yowza.

I've got a variation on what d_c_m said, I think. Rediscover how good fresh food can be slowly, and let your inner narrative about this stuff reset. Maybe sit down with, say, an orange, (freshly purchased so you *know* cerebrally at least that it's good), reassure yourself it's safe, and notice and linger over everything that's awesome about it--the color, smell, texture, flavor. Even if you have a freak-out emotionally, focus on *knowing* that it is in fact good for you.

Do it with lots of things. Reprogram yourself with intent.

Just a suggestion I hope is helpful.

[tooth-and-claw.livejournal.com]

I agree it can be done, and really like your suggestions-- especially the writing things down part. Maybe that will help me identify what it is I like about certain healthful foods and show me things I can look for in new foods.

[tooth-and-claw.livejournal.com]

Cooking as an art form, actually, is one of my secret favorite things Ever. actually like to cook, a lot. I like the preciseness of it, and the alchemical process of it, and the eating part of it, of course. I think you are right, too . . . I need to try some new recipes that maybe have a little bit of new things introduced with stuff I know I like, so that I can adapt. Putting sliced tomatoes in my hamburger helper, making Chicken Soup with peas, etc.

[tooth-and-claw.livejournal.com]

Very helpful. I've found intent, focus and analyzation are some of the best weapons I have in my armory. I'm natural at them, if untrained. It's double the usefulness, too . . . i get to flex my Intent muscles and help adapt to foods.

Thank you!

[swan-tower.livejournal.com]

That sounds like a good plan, widening your culinary horizons one ingredient at a time, rather than launching yourself at something full of new (and therefore suspect) stuff.

[d-c-m.livejournal.com]

Glad I helped a little. :)

My Hubby is a good cook. We can have ya over and if you don't like the din-din, we will have a reserve bag of chips. :)

[danielmc.livejournal.com]

House of Hell=the house on the Land, yes? yep. ack.

As above, all good. alchemical process. Yep. I personally see cooking as magic. wonderful when i all comes together properly.

perhaps some of us can cook for you and share prep techniques/stories/etc?

[mindstalk.livejournal.com]

If you trust other people's food choices, with the problem being with stuff out of your own fridge, then cooperative shopping or cooking for a while seems like a good idea. You get an aura of safety, they get the fun of cooking with an extra person -- my dinners get more complicated when there's an extra person to make salad with and for.

If you fear healthy food in general now, eh, no magical solution. More of the same I guess, with more intellectual bullet-biting.

How do you re-write conditioning? With more conditioning, basically...

[gollumgollum.livejournal.com]

One thing to do might also be to take things one day at a time--it'll be more of a pain in the ass, but shopping every day for that day's food, or dinner and tomorrow's lunch, for instance. Maybe not for everything, just the fresh things. Then you don't have to worry about food going bad because you *just* bought it.

Good luck, either way. Aie. Sounds pretty awful.

[kniedzw.livejournal.com]

We, I am sure, would be willing to offer a venue for such activities. Bryn and I often don't have the time to cook larger, healthier meals, and I, for one, would happily subsidize trips to the grocery store. What with all the folks living in the area, we might even be able to make a regular occurrence of getting together for dinner at someone's house.

[tooth-and-claw.livejournal.com]

Especially once everyone and their brother lives at Knightridge. :) Thanks Kyle.

[swan-tower.livejournal.com]

This is about the nineteenth time that suggestion has been floated; the closest I've seen it come to success is the Memento dinners. But I'd be all in favor of it if it happened.

[unforth.livejournal.com]

I think folks have given you some good suggestions. It's taken me 20 years and a lot of help to reprogram my brain as it comes to food. Though my problems are a bit different than yours in origin, perhaps I can come up with a bit that might help, cause I've really grappled with this, particularly in the last 7 years or so. Growing up, I was VERY sensitive to textures and to strong flavours, and the end result was I ended up basically phobic of trying new foods. I lived on cheese (only munster at first, and later I added cheddar), starch (french fries, bread, and spagetti, pancakes, not much else), pizza (but only plain or with extra cheese), and junk food (I liked most candies and sweets and many salty snack foods too). No fruits or veggies. Unless apple juice counts. There were a few other things I'd eat, but the truth is with 5 minutes I could probably list EVERYTHING. I used to gawk in amazement every time the doctor told me that other than needing to lose some weight, I was healthy.

Anyway, I won't repeat what other's have said. I did something similar to d_c_m's suggestion, though I didn't write it down, I just worked on it in my mind. I also did the one-ingredient-at-a-time thing. That helped IMMENSELY - you mean that liking french fries might mean I like mashed potatoes? wow! (I seriously used to have issues like this. Heck, I used to have issues such as "I like french fries at McDonald's, that means I might like french fries at Burger King.") What I'll add that is new is this:

1. Be patient with yourself. People who've never had problems like this think this stuff is easy, but it really isn't. Furthermore, society will make you feel like you're not normal. Screw those assholes. The only person who you need to be accountable to is yourself. If you feel up to taking chances take them, but if you don't than don't force yourself. Forcing yourself NEVER EVER HELPS.

2. Find someone to help you out. Someone who eats relatively normal, whose plate you can nibble off of when you feel like taking a chance, but who won't pressure you. deadmanwade is AMAZINGLY GOOD at helping out with this. I don't think I could have done it without him.

3. It'll come in fits and starts - sometimes you'll make a lot of progress, other times you'll stall for months. Again, don't beat yourself up about it. You'll just end up feeling bad.

Uh...that's all I can think of for now. I've found a lot of changing this is changing habits, but a lot more, especially early on, is removing the part of the eating that is scary to you. For me, that was finding textures that didn't freak the hell out of me and flavors that didn't make me feel like gagging. Furthermore, every time you try and it works out, your confidence will build a little more. At least that's what I found.

Hope something in there is a bit helpful. Best of luck! I know I'm not done yet (I still loath fruits and vegetables) but I've managed to make changes that make it possible for me to be relatively healthy. I no longer live on nachos and junk food. I did this for a year. Seriously. Heck, I lost weight that year. Because I was only eating one meal a day. Sigh. Why do we do stupid things to ourselves? :)

[ninja-turbo.livejournal.com]

I will say that if I return to Bloomington and live in Knightridge, I would be all about that shit. It's the Co-op training. Pizza for 15! Huge pots of soup!

Communal eating is one of the most awesome thing you can do to keep in contact with people. It builds community like very little else.

Good luck with forming new healthy relationships with food. :)

[moonartemis76.livejournal.com]

I am all about starting something like that up once there are a gazillion people at Knightridge. The Memento food nights were fantastic and my repertoire expands greatly when there is a)less time constraint and b)no need to transport said food. I think we could really help her and all eat better ourselves!

[iblis-kukl.livejournal.com]