chantico

The past two, three weeks have been a lot of emotional ups-and-downs as I come down to a smaller dose of my Zoloft. My doc and I upped it to help with Winter and boy howdy was it easier to deal with this time around, but now I'm dropping back to my usual dose, it's still kinda shitty in the weather department, and I have a lot on my plate and so there have been . . . undulations. Nothing cray-cray, just some ups and downs. Yesterday I was absolutely dripping ennui, today feeling better and more able to cope with existence.

Did a reading yesterday-- it's been a while. Trying to sort out what I was feeling and why, pulled Guardian at the Gate, and then explored a couple of paths branching off from that. My main two ideas yielded a whole lot of NO OH HONEY NO, but then when I went down the middle the Dark Lady showed up and I had a little freak out. She and I have history-- she's my representative card, and she's who shows up when shit is going to go *down*. I have done Samhain readings to get a general forecast of the year to come, and the two years I pulled her, she represented the summer of 2009 and the fall of 2007. So, the summer of my break down and the fall of my Florence trip.

It says a lot about my state of mind that I was bowled over with just . . . terror. And what immediately came to mind was JASON IS GOING TO DIE because that is my worst fear and I am deeply, irrationally superstitious about it (and it doesn't freaking help that the Dark Lady was backed up by a reversed Gawtcha). I pulled a card on that and got the Singer of Courage, which in typical infuriating faery fashion could mean that i will need courage for the things ahead OR that I am unduly freaking myself out.

And then when J got home and I told him about the cards I pulled, he was like "Do you know what that sounds like to me? That sounds like I'm going to die" and I was all "THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT" and then we freaked out together and yes, did a reading for him, and no, I don't think he's going to die and really my take away is this:

1. I am not exactly centered right now.

2. I am lolling that my reaction to be told big change is coming is to jump to what is literally the worst thing I could think of.

3. That says a lot more about me right now than the reading did

4. Any entities dealing with me right now must be doing a large amount of facepalming.

. . .
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. . .

But seriously, if Jason dies this year, I'm going to be really unhappy. Just . . . for the record. in case anyone didn't know that.

Actually wrote some stuff Friday. It was pulling teeth but I got near 600 words down. I think it sucks, of course, but it's on the page. Hurdle jumped.

The problem with listening to music while I right, especially if it's a piece that really touches me, is that I feel super moved and excited by what I'm writing when it's playing, and then . . . not so much if it isn't. I can't tell if that emotion has transferred onto the page or not.

Anyway, hurrah for heroic character defining moments.

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Posted this on Facebook but it deserves to be here, too: most of my art and stuff is going up on Tumblr these says, so if you want to see it, follow me here: http://chantico.tumblr.com/

It's just an easier platform for sharing pictures than LJ. I'm still going to make an effort here but I *know* I'm terribly behind. Maybe next week I'll try to post a backlogged picture a day or something.

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Live from the Fucking Awesome News Network (FANN): Jason's job search has been less concentrated effort, more "I'm going to sit here and things are going to fall into my lap". He has pursued a couple of things, but his stupendous student teaching at Harmony connected him with someone who offered him a job as a counselor educator at the local mental health clinic, because he was so good with helping the troubled kids at Harmony get back on track. It's a job that's pretty much open to him at any time-- it doesn't pay as much as a teaching gig, he's way over-qualified for it, and it is seriously emotionally hard work. When they interviewed him, a formal necessity that they only had to do for paperwork, they knew he'd be gone quick, but they wanted him anyway. So he had a back-up, basically, in case nothing else came along.

And then on Thursday one of his friends called. He got a job full-time teaching, which means the position he had previously was no open. Was J interested? Within 30 minutes, the school called him and set up an interview at 9 AM Friday. By 1, he had the job. 3 weeks of substitute pay, and then full salary that a masters grad would pull in.

The bad news is the position is temporary, as he is filling in for someone on maternity leave, and it will be ending in October. but the other job is always there, it is more experience on his resume, and if they really like him? Schools have been known to make room. Especially since, very likely, he will be signing on to be an assistant coach for the football program.

The other bad news is due to our one car situation-- school starts at 8 AM and is in the next county over. Which means my work day is now 7-4 instead of 8-5. I was *just* bitching about early mornings, too. ALAS.

Oh yeah-- and he starts tomorrow.