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chanticoIt's strange how doom and gloom can cling to you. A good mood is so easy to lose, and a bad mood is so hard to shake; I think depresssion and wallowing are some of the most addictive things ever.
Not saying I'm particularly down right now-- I'm busy and nervous, but not *bad*. I just find myself whingin a lot more than I need to and getting cranky over small things. I also feel distant-- not from people, but from self-awareness. When I peer into my own head, it feels foggy, and clogged up with spider webs or anxiousness.
I think a lot of it has do with Italy. Soecifically coming to terms with the chasm that exists between the preparation that I am doing to go (the automatic, machine actions of figuring out money, working through school, filing paper work) and the realization that I AM FUCKING GOING TO ITALY. The excitment, joy, and pride that would come with that realazation are distant; I can barely see them waving at me from the other side, and sometimes I can hear the echo of their shouts, but I feel like I can't access them.
The chasm? The pyschological gap where I feel undeserving of achievment, like I've somehow cheated to get this, like I am not worthy of it, fed by a river of certainty that I can not have this, that dreams do not come real. Not for me.
Which is of course the LAST fucking thing I want to be acknowledging, because I know that sort of thinking will be the thing to sabatouge it.
I'm frustrated. I want, I know I need, to build a bridge to the other side, or better yet, simply take a leap of faith and start walking, but I don't know *how*.
How do I trust myself? When did I *stop*?
Not saying I'm particularly down right now-- I'm busy and nervous, but not *bad*. I just find myself whingin a lot more than I need to and getting cranky over small things. I also feel distant-- not from people, but from self-awareness. When I peer into my own head, it feels foggy, and clogged up with spider webs or anxiousness.
I think a lot of it has do with Italy. Soecifically coming to terms with the chasm that exists between the preparation that I am doing to go (the automatic, machine actions of figuring out money, working through school, filing paper work) and the realization that I AM FUCKING GOING TO ITALY. The excitment, joy, and pride that would come with that realazation are distant; I can barely see them waving at me from the other side, and sometimes I can hear the echo of their shouts, but I feel like I can't access them.
The chasm? The pyschological gap where I feel undeserving of achievment, like I've somehow cheated to get this, like I am not worthy of it, fed by a river of certainty that I can not have this, that dreams do not come real. Not for me.
Which is of course the LAST fucking thing I want to be acknowledging, because I know that sort of thinking will be the thing to sabatouge it.
I'm frustrated. I want, I know I need, to build a bridge to the other side, or better yet, simply take a leap of faith and start walking, but I don't know *how*.
How do I trust myself? When did I *stop*?
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Date: 2007-04-17 01:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-17 09:14 am (UTC)Perhaps try "One Day At A Time"? Or even fake it till you make it.
OH and you are on the Widescreen soundtrack swap, BTW. Start burning.
As for deserve, oh darling, you DESERVE this!!! And perhaps, maybe, the spirits want you to go! And you just can't argue with them. Well you can't argue with them successfully at anyrate. At least in my experience.
Always rooting for ya...
Date: 2007-04-17 03:22 pm (UTC)No matter what anyone else says, you have to be ready to accept the fact that things could go right as often as you think they will go wrong. Generally things are never as bad as they seem...
...and although I'm not around, I'm still here watchin' and waitin' for you to realise how great you are, and how much you deserve.
Cheers chica,
Bry in Lafayette