(no subject)

[chantico]

It's awkward to admit that the bad mood that has been dogging me for the past two weeks is not a symptom of my classes or the return to the grind of school-work-homework, nor is it an offshoot of the diet I have been struggling through, or that I have been fighting off illness.

I am dissatisfied in the worst of ways; not with my life but with my approach to it. The charges I'm filing against myself are familiar, but exacerbated now. The person who is on trial these days isn't weak and is not a pushover, and refuses to buckle under the pressure of my own accusations or the spotlight of meticulous self-analyzation. I've filled out, I'm no longer brittle, and that makes it all the worse; before, I could crumple and give up and resign myself to a comfortable cell of complacency, the walls writ with excuses-- now, I would rather destroy myself in a firestorm of criticism or overwork than fail. But . . . as of yet, I still don't succeed.

I suck at self discipline, always have, but now my head *won't leave me the fuck alone* about it. I slack off and despise myself for it, I break my diet and curse my own name. Last year, I did the same, and the result was not eating; punishment for not keeping up or being good enough. This time, however, feels exceptionally different. The punishment wasn't a punishment, it was an excuse, a scapegoat so that I could take some sort of control over myself, so I could wallow in a mud pit of misery and self loathing. I hated how I looked, how I acted, what I did. I starved myself to try and find some sort of handhold on my psyche, a pair of shoulders I could grab and shake-- instead of changing the things that made me so upset in the first place. I dropped a veil over my own intentions. I feel like now the veil has been shredded, and something clear and painfully bright is visible; instead of self retalitation, I am in confrontation with myself, and there is a strength and ferociousness, a brutal honesty on both sides.

I'm so fat, I'm so ugly, I hate how I look . . . Then get the fuck off your ass, you lazy fucking whiner. Eat better. Exercise. Dress well.

My art will never be good enough. You are right-- because you do not practice enough, you do not meet deadlines, you do not challenge yourself. Get it together, and you can be great.

I'm stupid. No, you've given up; you've allowed your brain to rot because you feel inadequate next to others. Choose your words. Think. Stop being complacent because you are intimidated by the brain power of your social circle.

I'm immature. Grow up, then. Let's start with picking up after yourself, paying your bills on time, and using your time better.

I grudgingly admit this is a good thing, but it is not a fun thing. It is having a drill sergeant constantly telling you what a worm you are . . . but seeing the drill sergeant's point of view and realizing how proud they really are of you. It's self parenting. It's beating my own ass with a wooden spoon until I squall so that I will *learn*.

So I am cranky, bossy, depressed, moody and dissatisfied. I am a spoiled child with her toys taken away.

Trial by fire, bitch.

Comments

[d-c-m.livejournal.com]

Hmm... I know how you feel. I have the same inner voices. However, I have been trying to nurture my inner child and lovingly parent her rather than drill sergeant her. It seems to help. Don't know if it would help you, but, eh you could try it.

Plus, honey you are one of the most beautiful women I know. Movie star wow!

[swan-tower.livejournal.com]

It may not be a fun place to be, but it sounds like it's a better one -- honest self-criticism instead of unproductive self-loathing. If there's anything we can do to help, just say so.

[akashiver.livejournal.com]

I suppose honest self-criticism is a good thing - but too much of it can suck. Hence my resolution to turn-down-volume-on-the-inner-voice this year.

For what it's worth, you always come across as being beautiful, talented and smart, so imo your inner voice should give you a break once in a while.

[waterbaby-eve.livejournal.com]

"May there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have recieved, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."
-by some saint (feel free to replace the word "God" with whatever you feel is appropriate.

You are not perfect. You will never be perfect. Which means that you will always be doing things "wrong" and realizing your "mistakes." Don't stress about it. Seeing that you have room for growth is a good thing, not a bad one. Try to be the best person you can, and trust that whatever comes out, no matter what, was the Best you could do with your current capabilities. Love yourself for your short-comings as well as your successes. You are beautiful, life is beautiful. Relax and be thankful for all you have, yourself included. I love you, you should too. Have a wonderful day.

[backonthealex.livejournal.com]

http://www.fleurdelis.com/desiderata.htm

[moonartemis76.livejournal.com]

I Love you very much an dam proud of how far you have come.