SHook up enough that my dreams were stuttering

[chantico]

So deadmanwade pointed out to me last night that I have an exceptional problem with accepting positive emotion. I'm *real* good at fostering hate, jealousy, distrust, anger and depression; but when it comes to the opposite spectrum, I can only capture emotion in fleeting moments before they dissipate. My happiness greenhouse is ineffective (perhaps I should turn to hydroponics?).

This really shook me up, A. because he is right, and it's something I know and have been struggling with as I try to slough off the funk I've been in and found it more difficult than I realize and B. because I hate being weak, and moreso I *hate*, HATE having this pointed out to me. My immediate reaction is to knock the legs out from the person by being as nasty as possible (while visions of ripping out their filthy wagging tongues dance in my head). The trapdoor between my brain and my mouth, while loosely flapping most times, becomes well padlocked, though you can still hear the howling of the thing behind the door. I am not the kindest of individuals when my power is threatened, when my strength is shown to be weakness.

Ugh, even typing out these truths makes me feel destructive; I want to break my own fingers for admitted my mewling, I want to starve myself, I want rage at people close to me so that they will go away and I can feel like I've punished myself.

And the fact that these are the things I feel means these are exactly the things I need to look at.

So why can't I stay happy as easily as I stay angry? Why do I strive for an imagined power, an unscalable emotional tower, when I know intellectual and spiritually that the greatest strength and power is found in admitting and accepeting your own weakness?

This is complicated by the fact that I feel worse for not being able to realize these things, and then that just pulls me down farther.

Here is the dialogue I have with myself most often: "Okay, I need to be 'insert blank here' and stop being 'another blank'". My expectations of happiness are always qualified by these statements. "I shall be happy when . . ." Maybe that's why it is easier for me to hang on to negative emotion-- it is focused very securely on the sphere of the present.

Mrr. So let's add on some more questions the one I posed before:
1. How can I learn to trust myself?
2. How can I alright with being weak?
3. How can I make happiness a thing of the present?

Comments

[coyotewatches.livejournal.com]

Permission to consult my advisors?

[tooth-and-claw.livejournal.com]

Permission granted, oh ambassidorial one.

[lillornyn.livejournal.com]

Why do I strive for an imagined power, an unscalable emotional tower...

All towers fall. Something to keep in mind.

[tooth-and-claw.livejournal.com]

I think that's one of the reasons that it's really starting to come up . . . silly relationships and their Guy Fawkes-like effect on previously impenetrable citadels.

[kniedzw.livejournal.com]

Why do I strive for an imagined power, an unscalable emotional tower, when I know intellectually and spiritually that the greatest strength and power is found in admitting and accepting your own weakness?

This, to me, is the biggest question. Inadequacies are not necessarily "weaknesses," per se. They are merely things that you don't do as well as you expect you should be able to.

Ultimately, I think it probably comes down to an issue of self-confidence, which isn't really an easy thing to foster, particularly when it seems, prima fascia, to run directly contrary to accepting your own weaknesses. If you were comfortable with who you are, you are much better able to be comfortable with what you cannot yet do. (Note the "yet" in that sentence.) Just because you can't accept praise or foster happiness doesn't mean that you're subhuman, inadequate, or otherwise defective. It just means that you haven't learned that skill yet, and it's a goal you should strive for.

We aren't born perfect, and life is a constant balancing act to stay somewhere that you're happy with who you have become. I, for instance, am not nearly as gifted an artist as you are, but I've accepted that, just as I've accepted that, if I had expended the effort, there is a possibility that I might yet become a passable artist. Maybe even a great one. Who knows?

Regardless, individual weaknesses are fine because no one is perfect. I think you might just need to figure that out for yourself before you can accept criticism without anger or accept praise without demurring.

[d-c-m.livejournal.com]

Huzzah!! You are an amazing beautiful awesome TALENTED woman and you are so amazingly strong to admit these thoughts about yourself AND extra brave to do it on LJ! Go you.

My guess - and you can tell me I'm full of it - is that it is easier for you to be angry because when you were growing up that is the only way you felt safe. So of course you feel more power in "negative" emotions. Now to slowly find ways to make yourself feel powerful when happy.

And hey, if I could do that I would. :)

deadmanwade is amazing. So are you.

[oddsboy.livejournal.com]

Well, for starters, one has to realize that while it seems so correct to label emotional reactions as 'weak', they aren't. They will/are/always happening and you can't control them or make them do what you want (I don't mean you can't changer your perspective, I mean trying to change how you feel through fascistic use of will does not end well). It's stupid and poo-headed, but true. Second, a long time ago people told me that all emotions are the same. Rather, they are the same element in different forms, like water, maybe (ice, snow, liquid, etc.) Example: The opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy or not caring. What the kicker is is that one subconciously reacts that only certain emotions are permissible, even if they aren't pleasent. Anger for instance. The trick is realizing there is an emotional reaction going on that is being converted into anger b/c that's what's allowable. It's a hard, hard process to try an figure out a more constructive way to acknowledge stupid emotions without getting angry or trying to Magnetoesque strong-arm them into pleasing shapes.

-RC

[tooth-and-claw.livejournal.com]

I am *wallowing* in delighted irony that it is you telling me this. *grins*

I think the strong-arming thing is definitely a problem for me . . . i have a problem, I want to WILL it into working right.

Hrm.

[oddsboy.livejournal.com]

First, Thhhhhhbbbbbbbbbpppppppppppt.

Second, yeah, that's why Mags is one of my favorite Marvel characters. Can be, anyway. A great deal of his thing is his inability to really work with his emotions.
M: "Ah, making a card house, stacking it so neatly..."
*bumps table, cards fall*
*eyebrow twitches*
M: "Fuck it! If that's the way the world's going to be...MAGNETISM!!! All the cards in the world stand up straight!!!!!"
Yeah. Mags could use some self analysis. Hmm, makes me wonder what the case studies of megalomaniancs are like...
-RC