Metaphysically Teething
May. 29th, 2007 11:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chanticoMy life doesn't feel as mundane as it's activities sound to be. Whenever someone asks me How are you doing? or What did you do today? I Can think of nothing of external interest to say . . . I read. I played Guitar Hero. I puttered around on the internet, did laundry, ate food and watched a movie. I painted a little bit and worried a lot and maybe worked out. I worked. This is my life currently-- a revolving door of everyday tasks and little markers of existence. The strange thing is, I don't feel particularly discontent with it, as shallow as it seems from the outside. I can't decide if this is a good thing-- that I've found some form of contentment with just living-- or a bad one. Contentment is nice; adventure makes for better stories in the long run, though far less happiness.
But right now, I don't think adventure is necessarily what I need. I'll have plenty of that in the coming fall, and beyond that, the growling of thunder on the horizon of my life that is graduation and Great Change. That storm is one I can't even contemplate right now; I still can't grasp Italy through shimmering of summer. Right now, routine and repetition are my joys, and more so my lessons. I'm realizing I grew up over the winter-- how the fuck did that happen? When did I suddenly become okay with the usual? More to the point, when did I realize that the usual is not the enemy-- and that it's time to learn from it with patience?
Monotony builds habit, and there are habits I need to develop. Spontaneity works best, I think, if there's a solid foundation for it to explode on top of. It's romantic to be a beautiful disaster, but it's wise to be a beautiful balancer. How am I going to go to Italy when I'm losing my debit card every week? When am I going to get a portfolio together and claim myself an artist, if I can't stop slacking and do some art? If I am such and amazon in mind, why can't my body reflect that?
It's the same struggle and battle I always have, just illuminated by new insight. And less a struggle . . . more of a gentle acceptance of fact. The image I have stuck in my head right now is of fields of summer grass, touched by wind and glowing with heat and sunlight. That's what this state of mind feels like.
But right now, I don't think adventure is necessarily what I need. I'll have plenty of that in the coming fall, and beyond that, the growling of thunder on the horizon of my life that is graduation and Great Change. That storm is one I can't even contemplate right now; I still can't grasp Italy through shimmering of summer. Right now, routine and repetition are my joys, and more so my lessons. I'm realizing I grew up over the winter-- how the fuck did that happen? When did I suddenly become okay with the usual? More to the point, when did I realize that the usual is not the enemy-- and that it's time to learn from it with patience?
Monotony builds habit, and there are habits I need to develop. Spontaneity works best, I think, if there's a solid foundation for it to explode on top of. It's romantic to be a beautiful disaster, but it's wise to be a beautiful balancer. How am I going to go to Italy when I'm losing my debit card every week? When am I going to get a portfolio together and claim myself an artist, if I can't stop slacking and do some art? If I am such and amazon in mind, why can't my body reflect that?
It's the same struggle and battle I always have, just illuminated by new insight. And less a struggle . . . more of a gentle acceptance of fact. The image I have stuck in my head right now is of fields of summer grass, touched by wind and glowing with heat and sunlight. That's what this state of mind feels like.
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no subject
Date: 2007-05-30 04:43 am (UTC)'with a marmoset.'
'cuz, y'know, it's like that.'
'English-ping pong. Chinese-ping powng.'
-RC