Not just jittery, like "four 2 litre mountain dews" jittery.

[chantico]

I am surprised I have not ruptured internally from all of the vitriol I have been spewing and/or swallowing over the past week or so. I am currently rather temperamental. This is kind of like saying a fire is rather full of burning. If I am gnashing my teeth in your general direction, more likely than not it is nothing but thin skin on my part-- though it could be more aptly described as taut skin, because I am and have been a nervous fucking wreck and feel so stretched thin that I'm likely to snap like Paris Hilton in a jail cell. The air feels like it's thrumming with 'threat', amorphous, ever present, and completely ridiculous on my part. Italy is looming over me, and I'm addressing it more lie a six-year-old than a competent adult-- if I can't see it, it can't see me; if I pretend it's not there, it will go away. See, *reason* would say OMG ITALY FLORENCE OMG OMG YAY, but I'm am not reacting that way . . . quite to the contrary, I'm irritable, vicious, depressed and frightened, when I am not just, well, numb.

I'm not excited. At all. I am not happy, optimistic, gleeful, hopeful, looking forward to, or any other positive words or phrases you could apply to this. I am regarding the whole situation like a rather large spider that I have just found sitting in the middle of my bed. It is there, it is watching me, and it has *fangs*.

Mostly I think I'm very worried about letting myself become excited for fear of something going wrong (and something has, but I'll get to that in a minute) and if I edge my way warily towards the inevitable, I'm not going to be absolutely and completely smushed into a smear of wibbling, sobbing and despair if it falls through. This is logical to me from a removed perspective, but it is also COMPLETELY STUPID from any other. As I've said to those I've mentioned this to directly: if I am not getting excited, if I can't be happy about this, it won't *mean* anything to me.

I mentioned something has gone wrong, and it has, though not *spectacularly*, and if this is the other shoes, on first assessment it's more pink and mary-jane shaped than the combat boot I was expecting. My passport has been delayed, because they say I have not submitted proof of birth. Problem: I don't *have* traditional proof of birth. I have not birth certificate. See, when I was born, home births were not all that common in Indiana, and those born at home were never issued Birth Certificates. Only "alleged" Birth Certificates. Alleged. These documents *are* official and issued by the State, and I've gotten things like my Driver's License just fine with it, but I have baffled the passport people, apparently. They want hospital records or early school records from early infancy (???), but I don't know if the hospital *has* those records on hand after 22 years. Basically, I have to call and yell at them, until they stop being dumb.

Bah. BAH, I say.

On the plus side, this is just awesome.

Comments

[walterd.livejournal.com]

surely your birth was recorded with "some" hostpital. The county hospital for the area you were born in should have some record of your birth into this world. Or at least the immunization shots that followed. Perhaps they could provide you with something more "official" in the eyes of the passport people. Hospitals maintain records no matter how long it's been. When I lost my birth certificate, the hospital I was born in did not even exist anymore, but they still had my records at the county hospital.

Good luck and all that jazz!

[tooth-and-claw.livejournal.com]

Good to know, thanks Walt. Yeah, I have the records form coming in right after I was born . . . maybe that will be good enough.