chantico

My state right now is: confused, tremulous, tentative, but ready. Steeled would be a good word for it, I guess, whether or not steeled is what I should be. I cannot believe that I graduate in about a month's time-- such an important date.

I have this problem with focusing my attention on things in the future. I started to write about graduation, and all of my fears, doubts, and looming responsibilities pinned me. I cannot get words out when my mind is entombed by all of the Things I Need To Do. The future is my nerosis. I have an endless list of tasks to accomplish, so endless that any events in my life simply become a checkmark in the records, reduced to an 'accomplishment' without any emotional impact.

Here is the typical scope of my To-Do lists as they unfold in brain: "Alright, I cleaned the house. Now I have to do this commission, and then the webcomic, and then I need to prepare a webpage for my art, and then I need to think about making cards for me to take with Gencon, and then I need to figure out how I'm going to get Illustration jobs, then where I'm moving to in a year that I can work in Illustration, then where I'm settling for a time, then how I'm going to buy a house." Alternately: "Okay, I have to do this homework assignment, then graduate, then make my resume, then find a second part time job, then a real job, then start thinking about where I can move that has better jobs, then go there."

WHY do I need to figure out how I'm going to buy a house five-to-ten years down the road? I don't know! All I know is that *this is what I am obsessing about most of the time*. BUYING A HOUSE. HAVING KIDS. *RETIREMENT.* WHAT.

Of course I feel like I'm going insane-- how on Earth can I ever relax with the Great Unknowable Future breathing down my neck? How on Earth did I end up so fixated on some distant horizon in time that I cannot enjoy or even pay attention to the things going on in the present? Why do I constantly lose my keys/debit card/make-up/homework? Because in the moment I set them down, I can almost guarantee I am not paying a whit of attention to what I am doing-- instead, I am thinking about what it is I am supposed to be doing NEXT.

THIS IS NOT A VALID LIFE STRATEGY.

I often ask a lot of questions of my psyche, make a lot of demands, and generally, try to force some kind of reinvention/change upon myself to fix various things I see as problems. Sometimes these things work, because I've actually hit on something that is True. There is a process to finding this truth, of course: like most things in life, I stumble around in the dark, stubbing my toe on 20 billion little problems and, in my consternation, naming them to be The Great Issue in my life. "Ow! I'm Fat! Okay, wait, no, that's not it . . . *shuffle shuffle* Ow! I have body issues! Sonova . . . closer, I guess, but still not . . . MOTHERFUCKING WHORE! What the hell was that? Placing unrealistic expectations of perfection on my body because I place unrealistic expectations on myself in general and my physical flesh is the perfect cypher for this self hatred? Okay! Now we're getting there. But where do those unrealistic expectations come from . . ." and back into the dark room I go. This process is the same for finding solutions to my psychological detrius.

This fixation on future events is one of the brick size ones, I think. I've circled around it recently, trying to come at it from different angles, or at least figure out the main shape without preciously naming it or understanding what it is I'm looking at. I've examined what I'm so afraid of in the future that has me so uneasy, and found things, but none of it made quite as much sense as it does in this context. Goddamn, of course finding a job seems scary, if you're looking at it as a gateway to the rest of your life. WTF, seriously?! For real realz?

Alright, so the next step in the stumbling process (things would be a lot easier if only I could figure out where the lightswitch is . . .), essential Avery question # whosawhatsit: What do I do about it?

In the immediate, since I'm trying very hard to really only focus on the immediate: I am going to focus only, ONLY, on what I have to do TODAY. At the end of the day, I'll make a rough sketch in my mind of what i need to do tomorrow, because there are future events that validly need preparation for. Say, my graduation celebration, the test I have on Monday, and Easter plans. These are things I can have in the back of my mind: they are in the future, but they are not OMGOMGOMG HOW AM I GOING TO SEND MY KIDS TO COLLEGE?! They are sane.

Secondly, I'm mentally reorganizing my mind to classifying things in two categories, not just Things I Have To Do. There is now Things I Have To Do and Things I *Want* To Do. this is an important disctinction. It is not one I had previously made. I know. This was really goddamn stupid of me. I have been wondering why it is that i never seem to actually *enjoy* the things I used to, like reading a book, or drawing for myself, or watching a movie. Gee, Avery . . . could it possibly be because you've put these things in the same category as 'scrub the nasty-ass bathtub' and 'file your taxes', i.e. categorized them as things that are only being done so you can check them off and move on the something else? Wow, I sure as hell wouldn't be enjoying those things, either. OMG, shocking concept! I am floored!

I know I shouldn't be hard on myself, and instead treat Me with all the respect, gentleness and kindness I deserve. But really, sometimes, I realize that I am doing something so INCREDIBLY dumb that I just have, HAVE to point and piss my pants laughing, because I am, in fact, a complete TOOL.

Cogito ergo macro: I think, therefore, I am LULZ-worthy.