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I am surprised I have not ruptured internally from all of the vitriol I have been spewing and/or swallowing over the past week or so. I am currently rather temperamental. This is kind of like saying a fire is rather full of burning. If I am gnashing my teeth in your general direction, more likely than not it is nothing but thin skin on my part-- though it could be more aptly described as taut skin, because I am and have been a nervous fucking wreck and feel so stretched thin that I'm likely to snap like Paris Hilton in a jail cell. The air feels like it's thrumming with 'threat', amorphous, ever present, and completely ridiculous on my part. Italy is looming over me, and I'm addressing it more lie a six-year-old than a competent adult-- if I can't see it, it can't see me; if I pretend it's not there, it will go away. See, *reason* would say OMG ITALY FLORENCE OMG OMG YAY, but I'm am not reacting that way . . . quite to the contrary, I'm irritable, vicious, depressed and frightened, when I am not just, well, numb.
I'm not excited. At all. I am not happy, optimistic, gleeful, hopeful, looking forward to, or any other positive words or phrases you could apply to this. I am regarding the whole situation like a rather large spider that I have just found sitting in the middle of my bed. It is there, it is watching me, and it has *fangs*.
Mostly I think I'm very worried about letting myself become excited for fear of something going wrong (and something has, but I'll get to that in a minute) and if I edge my way warily towards the inevitable, I'm not going to be absolutely and completely smushed into a smear of wibbling, sobbing and despair if it falls through. This is logical to me from a removed perspective, but it is also COMPLETELY STUPID from any other. As I've said to those I've mentioned this to directly: if I am not getting excited, if I can't be happy about this, it won't *mean* anything to me.
I mentioned something has gone wrong, and it has, though not *spectacularly*, and if this is the other shoes, on first assessment it's more pink and mary-jane shaped than the combat boot I was expecting. My passport has been delayed, because they say I have not submitted proof of birth. Problem: I don't *have* traditional proof of birth. I have not birth certificate. See, when I was born, home births were not all that common in Indiana, and those born at home were never issued Birth Certificates. Only "alleged" Birth Certificates. Alleged. These documents *are* official and issued by the State, and I've gotten things like my Driver's License just fine with it, but I have baffled the passport people, apparently. They want hospital records or early school records from early infancy (???), but I don't know if the hospital *has* those records on hand after 22 years. Basically, I have to call and yell at them, until they stop being dumb.
Bah. BAH, I say.
On the plus side, this is just awesome.
I'm not excited. At all. I am not happy, optimistic, gleeful, hopeful, looking forward to, or any other positive words or phrases you could apply to this. I am regarding the whole situation like a rather large spider that I have just found sitting in the middle of my bed. It is there, it is watching me, and it has *fangs*.
Mostly I think I'm very worried about letting myself become excited for fear of something going wrong (and something has, but I'll get to that in a minute) and if I edge my way warily towards the inevitable, I'm not going to be absolutely and completely smushed into a smear of wibbling, sobbing and despair if it falls through. This is logical to me from a removed perspective, but it is also COMPLETELY STUPID from any other. As I've said to those I've mentioned this to directly: if I am not getting excited, if I can't be happy about this, it won't *mean* anything to me.
I mentioned something has gone wrong, and it has, though not *spectacularly*, and if this is the other shoes, on first assessment it's more pink and mary-jane shaped than the combat boot I was expecting. My passport has been delayed, because they say I have not submitted proof of birth. Problem: I don't *have* traditional proof of birth. I have not birth certificate. See, when I was born, home births were not all that common in Indiana, and those born at home were never issued Birth Certificates. Only "alleged" Birth Certificates. Alleged. These documents *are* official and issued by the State, and I've gotten things like my Driver's License just fine with it, but I have baffled the passport people, apparently. They want hospital records or early school records from early infancy (???), but I don't know if the hospital *has* those records on hand after 22 years. Basically, I have to call and yell at them, until they stop being dumb.
Bah. BAH, I say.
On the plus side, this is just awesome.
