Will I Ever Post Anything Not Art Related? Hint: Nope.

[chantico]

I had my first piece of art in a real show today.

It wasn't that big a deal-- the show was huge, but it was a group thing, and I contributed a singular print to a show with about a hundred other pieces. Nothing particularly important or notable. I, of course, was a nervous wreck. Would the piece even get hung? Did it suck? Did I mount it well enough? Did it suck? Will anyone show at the show? Did it suck?

You get the reoccurring theme here.

I have been reading lots of art and illustration blogs as of late and I also picked up my copy of Spectrum 17, chock full of just AMAZING work. I wish I could say that these things were for inspiration and instruction, but . . . often they leave me the so anxious I can't draw for the next few hours, at least. I think "I'll never, ever be that good, or maybe you could have been once, but you blew it." ArtOrder is a blog that hosts competitions and reviews by art directors. One of the recent posts talks about the use of Pick-Up art in books (art that has been used before and then is recycled). Sometimes, it was explained, art directors have to reuse a piece because the artist they have commissioned has turned in something that is just unnacceptable. And even *typing* that, my somach drops, I feel nauseaous, and there is a thunderclap of recognition: Oh god, that's me, that's me.

I have never competed in the ArtOrder championships. I am too afraid to. I didn't tell most people about the art show until tonight becasue I was so worried my print would not be up to par and they'd, like, throw it in the dumpster or something ridiculous.

I am scared that if I fuck up ONCE, do something less than perfect ONCE, I will never work in this town again, or something. This fear is also why I keep my mouth firmly shut most of the time. Reputations linger, it's the internet, nothing ever goes away. It's all taint, and I'm not that good -- why bother giving someone another shot when there's so many other lovely people out there to work with?

I *know* this is inaccurate. I have fucked up before! I have had pieces rejected, for good reason! It has been okay!

But the sickness doesn't seem to fade. And I have a mandatory break day after I finish a painting, because I inevitably work myself into a lather freaking out about how bad it is post completion.

Does *any* other creative type on my Flist have this problem? And how do you guys deal with it? Because it is seriously getting in the way of pursuing this dream: for the first time really ever, I find myself wondering if I have wasted the last ten years of my life.

Comments

[akashiver.livejournal.com]

re: the anxiety - yes.

The best way to deal with it, I've found, is to get to know other people who are working in the same medium and who are at the same career stage as you.

Isolation breeds anxiety. Community (or more precisely, seeing other people try, fail, and try again) encourages persistence.

[tooth-and-claw.livejournal.com]

That makes boatloads of sense. I'm starting to make some connections in the general art community around town, which has actually helped a *lot* in reducing my nerves about putting together some fine art pieces and restarting my watercolors. I bet the same thing would be true for a writing community, too.

[swan-tower.livejournal.com]

First things first:

I had my first piece of art in a real show today.

Stop the presses! This is AWESOME. You, Avery, just had a piece of art in an honest-to-god art show. That is a totally fantastic milestone, and you should celebrate it.

the show was huge, but it was a group thing, and I contributed a singular print to a show with about a hundred other pieces

Yeah, and my first publication was in an anthology, where my short story was only one among many. Still doesn't mean it wasn't AWESOME. You need to tell the stress and worry that they'll have to hold their horses for a moment -- you know yourself; they aren't going anywhere -- and take a few minutes (or hours) (or days) to do a happy butt-wiggle dance.

Which you may have already done. But in case you haven't, I thought I should mention.

Okay, so now moving on to the anxiety. It's a multi-tiered thing, as you may have guessed, so it doesn't entirely have a simple solution. Even once things like art shows have become old hat, you'll still probably chew off a few fingernails going "omigodwhatifpeoplehatemystuff" -- I'm doing that for my sixth novel, and I doubt it's going away any time in the next century. But you're talking about several layers of anxiety at once, of which that's only one.

(This got too long, so I've had to split it into multiple comments. BRB.)

[swan-tower.livejournal.com]

1) "If I produce one piece of less-than-perfect art, people will hate ALL my stuff!" Guess what? You've already produced less-than-perfect art. And some of it is stuff people have loved anyway. The things you're the proudest of, people may shrug at and go "that's nice," while the piece you tossed off in a hurry has something in it that connects to the audience, in a way you never expected. Plus, people are more inclined to remember the good stuff than the bad, because they spend a lot more time looking at the good. So: it takes more than one stumble to break your neck.

2) "If I say anything that pisses people off, I'll never work in this town again!" This actually has nothing to do with art, except in a P.R. sense. And yes, it's a small community, and the internet saves everything forever . . . if people bother to look for it, which they mostly don't. People forget things. You have to remind them, if you want them to remember. Which translates to, okay, yeah, if you make a habit of going around publicly pissing on other people's art, and talking about how you're the coolest thing since the invention of oil paint, and flaming anybody who criticizes you, and being a prima donna in business arrangements, and blowing every deadline you're given then pitching a fit when the person you're working with complains -- then yes, there are many other lovely people out there to work with, and they'll be the ones getting the commissions. But that takes some serious effort and dedication to the task of Being an Asshole. If you're lazy about your missteps, eh, you'll be okay.

3) "What if I'm someday the person who turns in something unacceptable?" So, my brain immediately goes to cover art, because that's the particular bit of artistic sausage-making I'm most familiar with. My response to this is two-stage: first, "unacceptable" may mean "good art, but not right for this situation," which will probably have been caused by a failure of communication somewhere along the line. Communicate clearly, and then if they come back to you and say "no, no, we wanted this to look OMINOUS and FOREBODING" you can quote their original description and then point out that if they wanted the kittens frolicking in the sunny meadow to look like they were about to eat somebody, they probably should have mentioned it, as that does not go without saying. Second? AHAHAHAHAHA. I have seen unacceptable cover art, my friend. One of the most common recurrent topics on the SF Novelists mailing list is "oh god I just got sent prelims for my next cover and what do I doooooo it's so terrible." As per point 2, you would have to work rather hard to land in that particular pit.

Anyway, each of these has a different solution. Getting critiques from people whose opinions you trust, before a piece of art goes public, means you're no longer relying only on your own judgment in whether something is worthwhile, plus it will show you how widely people's reactions can vary. Think twice before you open your mouth, but if you put your foot in it somehow, then apologize and move on. Communicate about the work with the person paying for it, and again, get feedback -- then you can tell the anxiety that it may get to chew on you, but it isn't allowed to piss on everybody else's positive opinions, too.

And ditto what akashiver said about this kind of misery loving company. You don't want to marinate yourself in the community of your neo-pro peers -- you can end up going around in circles rather than moving upward -- but judicious amounts of "hey, I'm not the only one this happens to" can make a huge difference in your outlook. (One of the other common topics on the SF Novelists list is "you know how my career went down in flames? Guess what? I've got a new contract!)

And breathe. That one's good, too. :-)

[tooth-and-claw.livejournal.com]

You're too awesome, as always. And NO, this didn't make me tear up. EVER.

The point about concentrating on being an ass is a good one, and hard for me to remember.