Will I Ever Post Anything Not Art Related? Hint: Nope.

[chantico]

I had my first piece of art in a real show today.

It wasn't that big a deal-- the show was huge, but it was a group thing, and I contributed a singular print to a show with about a hundred other pieces. Nothing particularly important or notable. I, of course, was a nervous wreck. Would the piece even get hung? Did it suck? Did I mount it well enough? Did it suck? Will anyone show at the show? Did it suck?

You get the reoccurring theme here.

I have been reading lots of art and illustration blogs as of late and I also picked up my copy of Spectrum 17, chock full of just AMAZING work. I wish I could say that these things were for inspiration and instruction, but . . . often they leave me the so anxious I can't draw for the next few hours, at least. I think "I'll never, ever be that good, or maybe you could have been once, but you blew it." ArtOrder is a blog that hosts competitions and reviews by art directors. One of the recent posts talks about the use of Pick-Up art in books (art that has been used before and then is recycled). Sometimes, it was explained, art directors have to reuse a piece because the artist they have commissioned has turned in something that is just unnacceptable. And even *typing* that, my somach drops, I feel nauseaous, and there is a thunderclap of recognition: Oh god, that's me, that's me.

I have never competed in the ArtOrder championships. I am too afraid to. I didn't tell most people about the art show until tonight becasue I was so worried my print would not be up to par and they'd, like, throw it in the dumpster or something ridiculous.

I am scared that if I fuck up ONCE, do something less than perfect ONCE, I will never work in this town again, or something. This fear is also why I keep my mouth firmly shut most of the time. Reputations linger, it's the internet, nothing ever goes away. It's all taint, and I'm not that good -- why bother giving someone another shot when there's so many other lovely people out there to work with?

I *know* this is inaccurate. I have fucked up before! I have had pieces rejected, for good reason! It has been okay!

But the sickness doesn't seem to fade. And I have a mandatory break day after I finish a painting, because I inevitably work myself into a lather freaking out about how bad it is post completion.

Does *any* other creative type on my Flist have this problem? And how do you guys deal with it? Because it is seriously getting in the way of pursuing this dream: for the first time really ever, I find myself wondering if I have wasted the last ten years of my life.

Comments

[tooth-and-claw.livejournal.com]

That makes boatloads of sense. I'm starting to make some connections in the general art community around town, which has actually helped a *lot* in reducing my nerves about putting together some fine art pieces and restarting my watercolors. I bet the same thing would be true for a writing community, too.